Once upon a time there was a slice of Nutmeg that lived in a pie. His name was Omfage. Omfage was a very kind and well-known kid in his Valley. His life consisted of surfing and playing with his band, ‘The Edgy Satsuma’s.’ They were a techno-reggae band that believed in only two things; liberating baby foxes and snorting sherbet, his favourite item of clothing was his purple top hat. He always wore it. One day when he was surfing the orange waves in the Valley of Mango Juice he bumped into a camel. The camel was called Rofl. Now Rofl was a lonely camel and he was desperate for a friend. Rolf’s favourite food was, incidentally, Nutmeg. So when he saw Omfage on his ginger and yellow surfboard (imported from Cuba), his dreadlocks blowing viciously in the wind, he had his first lol-fage-gasm. This was a turning point in Rolf’s life. He turned to Omfage and shyly asked him his opinion of his new shiny pink leprechaun suit. “Amazing!” Omfage cried, “You should be a fireman!” And from then on they were the bestest of friends.
Years passed and their relationship grew stronger. In high school they would perform dance routines for the local pet shop and became known throughout the Valley for being exceptional baton twirlers. Rofl joined ‘The Edgy Satsuma’s’, as he had quite a talent for the reggae harp. One of their many hobbies included eating kebabs in the moonlight and dancing with crickets wearing only blue socks. They were very popular and respected in the Valley of Mango Juice due to their input in the community and their well lived by motto being ‘never eat shredded goat.’ Rofl didn’t become a fireman as Omfage predicted. When he left school he ended up getting enrolled in the army, whilst Omfage stayed at home and got married and produced his very own family of Nutmeg. Together they introduced a conscription to build up an army of rabid swans. “This good strong army will protect all of us here in the Valley Of Mango Juice,” Rofl said. Unfortunately his plan backfired.
One day, during the war between Camels and Igloos, Rofl was getting tortured by grapefruit with a moustache in Japan. Meanwhile Deirdre, a carnivorous snowman and Omfage’s sister in law, spotted the fight while hunting in Japan and left Omfage a Bebo message. Omfage read the news and hurried swiftly to save his friend. So he packed up his grater and set off.When he arrived, he was too late. For he found Rofl hanging by his eyelids from a tall coconut tree. Omfage cried in anguish and stole his friend’s sunglasses, just for good measure. As a result of his grief, he committed violent acts of mutiny against any Igloos that crossed his path. This made him feel happier and so he went and hastily bought a light bulb and a marker pen from the nearest hardware store. He sat by the side of the dirt road with his thumb out, singing the theme to Mary Poppins in Portuguese to comfort himself. He wrote ‘apple’ on the light bulb as a sign of respect of his lost friend, and threw it into a nearby fishpond to make it official.To this day, Omfage continues to tell the tales of his adventures with Rofl, so the world will remember their friendship…
Chapter 1: ResurrectionThe evening sky was dull and grey, its acrid blanket dripping liquorice into Omfage’s tea. He stared at his friend’s grave in dismay, clutching his spleen ferociously.He felt it was time.He hastily rustled up some couscous from his back pocket and threw it into the air vigorously. Downing his tea, Omfage stumbled away whistling the theme tune to his favourite commercial advertising chocolate haggis burgers, which happened to be, inevitably, his last supper with Rofl. As he staggered carelessly through the churchyard he found himself pondering the reason for Charles Darwin’s recent resurrection. It was said that a group of circus ferrets were seen earlier that week near Darwin’s grave, setting fire to each others pancreases in hop to evolve into a starfish. They were chanting scrumptiously over and over, “Fallen dodos fallen dodos fallen dodos on the grooound.” Just at that moment a bolt of lightning had struck the gravestone and a hand emerged from the earth, its fingers resembling soft, ripe pears on a crisp winter morning. The ferrets gasped and ran, leaving charred pancreases in their wake. They did not turn back. As Omfage thought about this and nodded with understanding, the idea sent his spleen into spasm. He got up and skipped home angrily, not anticipating his return.
A few days later Omfage was sunbathing on ‘Gordon’s Beach’, his nearest surf venue, when a callous breeze severed his dreads and knocked his top hat clean off his scalp. He stumbled towards it, beads of Ribena sweating from his brow. As he reached out to grab his hat, whimpering with passion, he heard the sudden sound of a harp playing softly in the distance. Looking up he nearly puked with shock at what he saw; there, just a few metres away, high upon a pillar of jagged rock, sat his dear friend Rofl. He looked deep into his friends eyes and saw something had changed. His once creamy chicken korma coloured legs were now replaced with a scaly green tale, flapping about in the wind. His once perfectly carved breast was now enveloped in the grasp of two shiny clamshells. Rofl batted his eyes violently, and a wicked smile spread sexually across his face. Omfage squealed in disbelief. “Do you want some garlic bread with that? Fuck Rofl, what happened to you?” Rofl, clearly vexed by Omfage’s reaction, held up his elbows in defence. “I am now a Mer-Camel, resurrected in courtesy of the Almighty Buddha Man boy.”At that moment, miniature hippos escaped the dwelling of Omfage’s torso and circled him, salsering timidly with each other and exclaiming, “Rofl the brave!” Omfage roared, annoyed at this sudden interruption, “Get back inside ALL OF YOU before I scramble your nostrils with humous! This is not the time or place!” They hung their heads in shame and retreated back down Omfage’s windpipe tenderly. Rofl laughed harshly and shook his head; he had missed his friend dearly. “So tell me,” Omfage enquired. “How did this miracle come to be?” Rofl murmured gaily in response. “The prophecy.”