Welcome to the world of Autumn, Caitlin and Mina; three interesting girls who find pleasure and happiness through the simplest and oddest of things! You are probably assuming that we are just three ordinary girls (and perhaps we are in some respects) but in our own sickly cocoons, we are the craziest people of all, and it is rare for us to find people who understand and/or comprehend what we do and say most of the time. We have known each other for years and so find shame in absolutely nothing. Over the years we have formed bands, written poems, conducted surveys and even created our own children’s television programme, squeezing our imaginative flare into all of it! I suppose the question is, are we really as absurdly mental as we believe ourselves to be? I suppose you will be the judge of that…
This is Autumn:
She would wave but this is a blog and it isn’t likely she is there with you now. Perhaps she is waving at this exact moment, though not at you… Sorry about that.
Autumn (or “Tum” as she is known) grew up on a tiny farm that rescued animals; an ancient donkey, a buzzard, chickens and ducks, a three-legged sheep etc. In the summer she would bake cupcakes with Caitlin and Calum and attempt to sell them outside of their quaint little cottage. The immediate problem being that the house was situated on the main road miles away from any towns or other houses so there were never any passers by. A typical hippy child who believed in magic, Autumn and Caitlin were encouraged in their beliefs when their parents fuelled her imagination with stories such as Alice in Wonderland, Lord of the Rings and any film or book that involved fairies. Autumn also had an imaginary friend who was a fairie, but not a typical winged sprite who would dance around the flowers and wear dresses made from spun “spider silk“. Her friend was more a short, fat hobgoblin who lived in a tree at the bottom of her garden. Whenever she wanted something and was asked for the “magic word,” she would usually respond with: “abra-kadabra”.
As she grew up, she revelled in being different from the other, more popular children and felt safe with her small cluster of similarly weird friends. Never amounting to much in the world of careers, Autumn would stumble through life with a smile on her face and a cigarette in her hand; meeting strangers and writing weird poems about animals who didn’t really like each other. She developed obsessions with strange and immature people and characters; Gene Wilder, Pat Morita, Sigourney Weaver, the Mad Hatter, Triffids, Loki, Tom Hanks, Bill Murray and so many more. These people/characters/plants give her inspiration everyday and fuel her way of thinking. When things in her life seemed to hit a stand still, she looked back at the past and all the memories of the antics of her and the people who were like her- deciding to join Caitlin and Mina in compiling all the things they had said and written to make this compendium that you are reading right now.
This is Caitlin:
She is waving right now I can guarantee. This girl just knows these things!
Her life has been an endless daydream of cupcakes, badgers and sweet folksy music. Her organisational skills are questionable at best but everything seems to work out for her. The luckiest person of the group, Caitlin would find herself adored by everyone who met her and men would often find themselves in love with her (though she would not usually notice it). Calum is Caitlin’s older brother, and Autumn is a god-sister of sorts.
In adult life, Caitlin grew to appear (at times) reserved and quiet. Trust me when I say the madness is there. But it is unclear what goes on in the mind of Caitlin; I once left a sketchbook in her room and re claimed it to find odd doodles of a children in straw hats with Victorian styled women protruding from their skulls. I wondered is this was an insight into the thoughts of Caitlin? Is this the kind of thing she thinks about? One thing is for sure, it is intelligent and pure madness.
Below are some facts about this quirky wonder:
20 seemingly impossible things you may not know about Caitlin:
1) If you cut her open there is a chance she would die
2) She can turn lemonade into lemons
3) If you push her really hard, she will fall down
4) She spent last summer driving trains in Connecticut
5) I once saw her rub whale blubber on her legs in her sleep… she was laughing like a maniac, it was truly a magnificent sight!
6) Caitlin’s skin is quite similar to a stomach, it produces a fresh layer of mucus every two weeks or her whole body eats itself
7) Her taste buds are located on her feet… this can cause annoyance and entertainment when at cafes and restaurants.
8) Last time I was at the beach with Caitlin, she torpedoed towards a sharks belly causing it to explode violently and screamed “Justice!” at other local beach-goers
9) As a child, Caitlin’s ambition was to sell penguins on the black market
10) Caitlin sees numbers in roman numerals, a brain defect that occurred when she witnessed a roman soldier dancing the lindy hop with a robot
11) She devotes a large amount of her time to insulting bus drivers
12) She can start fires by striking an eggplant against any European country
13) I once saw her catch a sledgehammer with her teeth- and the sledgehammer broke
14) She has difficulty wearing shoes because she has roots (much like tree roots) protruding from her toes
15) She was born wearing tiny shin pads
16) “The Old Man in Tweed” once offered her a lollipop and thus she became “The Chosen One”
17) She once tried to make “Vodka Wine” by smashing empty glass bottles (instead of grapes) with her feet
18) She lost 3 toes on her left foot after her attempts at making “Vodka Wine”. However they shortly grew back 4 times larger, just in time for Hanukah…
19) She will try to kill you if you offer her almonds
20) She is a student studying contemporary art history
This is Mina:
Without doubt she is waving at an old man right now, which might be you but probably isn’t…
She joined the group some what later in their lives, arriving unexpectedly during their teen years and astounding them with her sense of belonging, she was definitely “one of us” . She has a darkened sense of humour and no boundaries it would seem. Applying witty and disgusting comments to everything from films to songs, fellow weird people and “the normal people”; it was always clear that we would get a long very well. Mina seems to have it all; intelligence, good looks, organisation (not to mention her time travelling abilities) and yet she is a very humble person who, like Caitlin and Autumn finds pleasure and enjoyment in the simple things in life. With her Jembe drum by her side and her incredibly accurate tarot card readings, there is no doubt Mina will make it far, metaphorically and literally (which is difficult to do when carrying an oversized African drum…)
Here is a list of twenty facts about Mina, take heed when reading:
20 seemingly impossible things you may not know about Mina:
1) Unless she checks regularly, watercress grows all over her shoulders! (This can be of some benefit when preparing salad)
2) She has the ability to detach her legs and use them as boomerangs. Unfortunately this can cause problems if they get stuck in trees or if birds catch them mid-air…
3) In her last life she was a rather powerful stone mason
4) She can poach eggs without removing the shells. This process is known as “hard boiling” or “soft boiling”
5) I once saw her crush Genghis Khan with her fists
6) She has the strength of a weasel
7) She spent an entire month last year devoting herself to carving wax candles into smaller wax candles using only her teeth
8) Caitlin and I installed “Tardis Translate” into Mina’s brain. Therefore if you can hear her speak english, you know she is actually speaking fluent Mandarin
9) She is so terrified of turning ginger that she smears guano on her scalp 8 times a year (this isn’t absurd and works perfectly well- evidence and extensive research development has shown that her hair is still brown)
10) If you unzip her shins loads of tiny bean bags roll out
11) I once saw her drag a camel out of a mountain crevice
12) I once witnessed her strangling the Little Mermaid with her thighs whilst chewing seaweed and laughing hysterically
13) She has a parachute woven into her spine for emergencies and educational purposes
14) When pressed, Mina will slap the nearest hippo
15) Mina does not hiccup, instead she makes bizarre “galumphing” noises. Aborigines refer to this as “kakaiba-puwit magbuga” which is Filipino for “weird-ass belch” (it really does mean that, look it up if you don’t believe!)
16) I once joined Mina’s crime solving team as she is a genius when it comes to murder scenes and uncovering motives. Unfortunately we had to stop after Mina went to prison for causing all the crimes we had solved
17) Her favourite hobbies include laughing at blind dwarves and ruining cinema experiences for all other movie goers (except for herself and me of course)
18) She helped me build Caitlin (using destroyed shards of deception, along with nectar, clay and olives) the day we bought her at the local DIY shop… we didn’t do so well as she is meant to be an armchair…
19) a) She will sometimes wear a Bindi because she has a tiny hole in her head and children get frightened when they see her brain… (A side effect of fact 8- woops, our bad!)
19) b) This “Brain Hole” makes Mina laugh and one of her many party tricks is to blow tiny red bubbles from it!
20) She is a student studying Italian, comparative literature and astronomy.
These three girls (if you can call them that) are the authors and talent (if you can call it that) behind this blog. Everything here from the poems to the written memories have been made specially by these three witless wonders. But of course they were not the only people who were present during these adversaries; Calum and Sam were often there to witness such things unravel, like a goat tugging at an aristocrats jumper vest.