An Ocelot with a Grin

“Huzzah!” You say,

While traveling on the wind,

“To the coast!” You say,

as your head is suddenly twinned

Left on your own,

you tickle the creations of your mind.

If you think about it

only the weak are resigned.

Pleasure is magnificent,

like an ocelot with a grin.

Just what does it take

to sing without a chin?

You are weak, after all

like a tender woolen sock.

Limp and lackluster,

your only friend, the clock

Time waits for no one

not even a mouse

you must sing to the sea now,

it is your lover and spouse.

Hello hello,

you sing to the sky,

you are then swiftly sick

it is your only goodbye



Intertwined in the rain and I know that she’s listening to this voice 
of the lost outside and cold and bang and knock. 
They are all shuffling in their intermittent disguise 
bruised and feverish. Haha! 
I can hawk and lively shoot amidst the insistence. 
There was once a time when the jester played games with the truth, 
and the screams of the others never lifted. 
Tap and closed doors and sinking inside so sinking, 
when will this feel like the yesterday of the other side? 
Reflections of light too strong to see above the water 
of freshness and life and grey blue satin lying in the gutter. 
He is running or is he walking? 
Fainting the golden virgin and the whistle that trapped my fever 
in the depths of the underground. 
What was that I heard you say? I don’t know why the sun grows almighty and forgets its everlasting. 
The scent is too strong to cling to the betrayal of a lost intercourse. 
Danger Danger – I will forgive and trap you all in the ship that I call 
blessed – life.
 Grow and grow and wither and 
forget the catastrophe of the casting brains.

Escape to Mumuland: Part 4

With a smear of hunger flavoured lipstick I spanked the nasty milkman in the hopes of preventing a third world war. My balls lay drenched in the remains of his broken spatula, emanating a sudden chilly grinding noise that reminded me of the small Chinese man I had met the day before.

I used the paste to brush my sweaty teeth.

Catching him off guard, my harsh mountain of marshmallow jealousy enveloped his spiral with erotically violet baking powder. Of course, this wasn’t my first time. The milkman left feeling deflated and I watched him leave, satisfied as I fondled my dusty muffins, a pure liquid angst burning within my fingernails.

The Butler Crow

If you live near the woods

There is a chance you’ll know

A bizarre creature dwells there

Known as the “Butler Crow”.

He’ll lurk near hippy campers

And follow them around

Decorate trees with tea cups,

And leave cup cakes on the ground.

He’ll spend days tracking hikers

And turning down their beds

Startling them with pillow chocs

That melt under their heads.

Some think they can outsmart him

But he has other plans-

Replacing all the fire wood

With exquisite scones and jams.

If you think he sounds lovely

You’re mistaken once again

His payment for such service

Is to eat the flesh of men.

You can try to stop him

But it’s not possible

The Butler Crow is crafty

His stomach never full.

So next time you’re in the woods

Make sure that you take care

For I assure you, all is lost

When this Butler knows you’re there.



Imagine just a head on a pillow. I am that head. With a full, red beard obscuring the mouth. It has to be an olive green cotton pillow. NOT polyester.


Actually, fuck the head. Imagine I am just an eyelid, and seen as Jimmy is artistic he can draw an eye on me, but keep the same pillow and cover me when I am sleepy with a cake tray cover and a loose silk scarf. 

Blatantly Untrue Facts About Animals

1) Elephants were once native to Britain, but most were killed during the Great Fire of London in 1666 (How unfortunate that all the elephants in Britain were congregated in London on that fateful night?!)

2) The First Rhinoceros to ever exist developed an unnatural disliking towards the Ostrich. The Rhino then decided to grow a horn to demonstrate it’s disgust, which is why all Rhinoceros’ today have horns.

3) There is no such thing as a clean antelope.

4) Italian cockroaches are avid dancers although witnessing their dance is rare because cockroaches are incredibly modest and often don’t feel like dancing.

5) A Panda Bear will eat Swiss cheese when encouraged.

6) Contrary to popular belief, the Dodo bird is not actually extinct. In actual fact, almost all the Dodo birds fell into a different dimension and, so far, have not worked out how to get back.

7) A Tapeworm’s favourite colour is “Blood”.

8) Salmon will only lay eggs when another creature is watching them- Salmon are sick and twisted like that.

9) There is something terribly wrong with the Grasshopper…

10) The Daddy-Long-Legs will only fly at your face because they are trying to introduce themselves. They are possibly the most polite and social of all insects.

11) Sharks drink more when they need the toilet.

12) Ducks have their own unique language. Unfortunately not a single duck can speak this language, causing most ducks to have depressing and/or violent tendencies. Scientists believe this is the reason why ducks are so eager to push their heads under water for lengthy periods of time.

When My Arse Married That Cake

George stumbled into the thumb, his teeth mushed like tangled sofa. Beside him, Jemima the fisherboy slurped at his bowl of owl chutney. The scent of arse and biscuits and even arse-biscuits filled the air and tangled around their outstretched kneecaps.

George heard a noise and immediately jizzed.

He looked down at Jemima, but not a word was said between them. Suddenly, before them lay a massive slice of fig wearing a fez. Now they were not taken aback by this giant spewing chunk of unsalted fruit, as they had seen it all before. The fig growled and hissed, yet George still smoked his shisha with quiet satisfaction.  His fear had not yet reached him until a large quantity of couscous was set before him challenging him to a duel. The fear struck him like moist lemon curd on a crispy summer night. He didn’t know what to do and so hastily licked a segment of Buddhist Quiche.

This was the final straw.

The harsh and crumbling fig charged towards George in desperate anguish, blowing couscous from his path. The battle was far from over. The next thing they knew they were locked inside a washing machine drenched in their own arse. Then, completely out of nowhere came a cruel and calculating pillow-case with a mission to eradicate all within the orange-peel galaxy. All seemed lost, until…

In Case of Argument: Break Dance

I present you a hand picked selection of our greatest tried and tested comebacks. These are particularly effective when used on the elderly/people with broken souls who hate themselves.


1. Please, allow me to milk away your pain!

2. Massage my disgusting child, it feels alone (point to your own genitals in triumph.) 

3. COME FORTH AND RAPE THE PROPHET! (point at your opponent while screaming and herding a clan of goat in their general direction.)

4. I will finger your fret and you’ll forget about it!

5. Yes, that may be, but last night I smoked the face of your God.

6. I will poke you vigorously with cork, when you least expect it.

7. I will beat you to death with a vasectomy.

8. Watch out. My landlady will gum you awake in the night.

9.  I will pulverize your loins.

10. I will soak up the jizz of your forefathers and regret nothing.


13 Interesting and blatantly untrue facts of 2013

1. A wasted walk is like a crumbly dessert.

2. Orange is not a fruit or colour, but instead a rare shoe size.

3. I have clammy hands: like chowder in the rain.

4. No pain, no flames!

5. Sniff my toenails and you shall fail.

6. I don’t like being treated like a piece of shoe.

7. I can smell your ears over there.

8. There is no truth in eating parsnips – only destiny.

9. “Check out my dainty weasel!” Said no one ever.

10. Your long flowing hair bristles in my colon.

11. I was seven years old when I realized tapestries were made from old coin collections.

12. I often moan with passion in the moonlight, my regret in deep within my quiche.

13. Leave rice crispies in a bowl overnight and you WILL have a mushroom pie by August.